City Council OKs OTR Smack Monorail

 

Cincinnati City Council voted unanimously last night to pass the OTR Smack Monorail Bill.

According to sources council members passed the bill in an unprecedented special midnight session held in the back room of Charlie’s 3/4 House on Vine St. house due to security concerns over the bill’s controversial proposal.

The bill, chartered by Mayor Mark Mallory, will commission the construction of a one-way monorail from Lebanon Rd. in Crittenden, Ky directly to Peete St. in Over-the-Rhine. Mayor Mark Mallory hopes that it will stimulate much-needed job growth in the area

“Over-the-Rhine has long been a national leader in heroin marketing and distribution. It is our hope that this monorail will provide transportation to our smack jungle for those in Crittenden who have, by no fault of their own, had to sell their cars to purchase more smack,” said Mallory.

With typically strong local industries like Proctor and Gamble faltering in the slumping economy, city council member Christ Bortz felt the need for a creative solution.

“Cincinnatians have a rich tradition of providing the highest quality China white to those within the Ohio River Valley. It is becoming increasingly difficult for junkies to purchase Oxycontin in their Kentucky towns and villages. We in the Queen City can provide them with a low-cost alternative containing nearly zero bleach additive. It’s a win/win situation for everyone.”

Word of the bill’s passage spread quickly from vendor to vender throughout OTR. Amongst the most elated is local vendor Ray Ray, who’s hustle is set up on the corner Lang St. and E. Clifton Ave. in front of Papa’s Grocery.

“Hey man, look. I get bread every hour of the day. I mean check out this stack. But shit, motherfucker, those bitches from Crittenden on that monorail? If they buyin’, I’m supplyin’. Believe that.”

Crittenden locals also expressed excitement about the monorail.

“Can you spare some change. No? Got a cigarette? No? Ok, god bless.”

When asked if the monorail affected the proposed street car campaign councilperson Roxanne Qualls offered a sharp retort.

“A street car running from the zoo to downtown and all points between? That runs right through the University of Cincinnati. We don’t want that kind of student element hanging around Fountain Square. Are you mad?”

Mayor Mallory also hopes the smack monorail will bring a new wave of fresh-faced ambassadors to the areas surrounding OTR.

“Our brave junkie transplants, through countless hours of shooting up and possibly huffing paint, have become craggy-faced and disheveled. It is time to move new troops to the front line if the city is to win the war against progress.”

The majority of the Smack Monorail’s funding will be diverted from the unpopular Banks project which is rumored to be under construction somewhere along the Ohio River.