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Archive for March, 2010

  A legal boner that appeared to threaten approval of Hustler’s Penis Hall of Fame in Longworth Hall unraveled in just five minutes Tuesday.

 “I’m happy they amended the law,” said Louis Sirkin, attorney for Hustler publisher Larry Flynt. “I had some question whether they needed to have this revote. But if they want to dot extra i’s and measure extra pee pee’s that’s fine by me.”

 City council originally passed the legislation allowing the hall of fame 8-1. Noted muffinbumper Roxanne Qualls cast the lone vote of dissent.

Cincinnati developer Larry Flynt

 Before the planned vote, Flynt said by telephone that he was worried it might mean delays.

 “At first it had me wondering,” Flynt said. “But it appears it was just an oversight that caused them to have to revote. Luckily they aren’t cock shy.”

 On Monday, Mayor Mark Mallory said a new vote was needed because court clerks unearthed a 1911 law prohibiting art galleries and museums from displaying penises in excess of 14 inches.

 However, on Tuesday morning Mallory unexpectedly overturned the law using a questionable executive decree which states that all depictions of penises, no matter how terrifyingly monstrous, shall be permitted within any public or private place within city limits.

 “In my professional and personal opinion there is no basis for disallowing any representations of beautiful, robust penises in the Queen City,” Mr. Mallory said.

 “We should be especially welcoming of those members with unusually proficient length and girth. And those with a slight upward curve and dangerously engorged glans,” said Mallory as he licked his lips.

 “And you know, when it’s all veiny and glistens like Christmas morning snowflakes…uh, excuse me I need to use the restroom.”

Man-package guru Mark Mallory

Man-package Guru Mark Mallory

 The museum’s main attraction is slated to be a comprehensive collection of America’s longest penises, which will draw exclusively from Hustler’s definitive catalog.

Flynt showed great satisfaction while explaining the mode of the centerpiece’s presentation.

 “Our pièce de résistance will be a continuous banner of life-size meat-pleasers, from base to tip, around the circumference of the museum,” said Flynt. “The simple beauty these gal-gougers will evoke nearly brings tears to my eyes.

 Eric Steinham, the project’s head architect, explained that Longworth Hall had been carefully selected because of its unique design.

 “Longworth Hall is ideal for such an ambitious undertaking because, at almost a quarter mile long, it’s one of the most elongated buildings in the country. Knocking out the walls on the first floor will enable us to amass the heaviest hauling dick train ever conceived.”

 “Also, it resembles a big brick johnson lying proudly upon the bank of the Ohio River. I like that.”

Longworth Hall: Soon to be filled with gobs of schlongs.

 Flynt predicts that the exhibit will break all previous tip-to-tip wang conga lines.

 “Our calculations show that we’ll be able to erect a continuous loop of 2653 penises. There’s no two ways around it—that’s a whole lot of meat thermometers.”

 Calls to officials at the Guinness Book of World Records to confirm the current world record for a throbbing wang daisy chain were met with threats of bodily harm.

 Flynt also plans to have several other attractions at the museum to attract visitors.

 “In addition to the penis parade unfolding triumphantly along the museum’s outer walls we will also use the interior space to showcase a handful of penile oddities,” said Flynt. “It will also provide a mouth and assful of testicular mind-bogglers.”

 When asked to elaborate Flynt hinted that the museum will be on the cutting edge of wiener-exposing technology.

 “I don’t want to give everything away but I will reveal that the collection will be a full-sensory experience,” said Flynt.

 “Let’s just say you’ll be able to ‘Smell What the Cock is Cookin’.”

 The American Museum of Penises is set to open on April 1st. The first thousand visitors will receive a holographic trading card that, when tilted in direct light, reveals Jerry Springer’s penis in either flaccid and erect states.

 For more information send emails to penisquestions@aphf.com.

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Cincinnati City Council voted unanimously last night to pass the OTR Smack Monorail Bill.

According to sources council members passed the bill in an unprecedented special midnight session held in the back room of Charlie’s 3/4 House on Vine St. house due to security concerns over the bill’s controversial proposal.

The bill, chartered by Mayor Mark Mallory, will commission the construction of a one-way monorail from Lebanon Rd. in Crittenden, Ky directly to Peete St. in Over-the-Rhine. Mayor Mark Mallory hopes that it will stimulate much-needed job growth in the area

“Over-the-Rhine has long been a national leader in heroin marketing and distribution. It is our hope that this monorail will provide transportation to our smack jungle for those in Crittenden who have, by no fault of their own, had to sell their cars to purchase more smack,” said Mallory.

With typically strong local industries like Proctor and Gamble faltering in the slumping economy, city council member Christ Bortz felt the need for a creative solution.

“Cincinnatians have a rich tradition of providing the highest quality China white to those within the Ohio River Valley. It is becoming increasingly difficult for junkies to purchase Oxycontin in their Kentucky towns and villages. We in the Queen City can provide them with a low-cost alternative containing nearly zero bleach additive. It’s a win/win situation for everyone.”

Word of the bill’s passage spread quickly from vendor to vender throughout OTR. Amongst the most elated is local vendor Ray Ray, who’s hustle is set up on the corner Lang St. and E. Clifton Ave. in front of Papa’s Grocery.

“Hey man, look. I get bread every hour of the day. I mean check out this stack. But shit, motherfucker, those bitches from Crittenden on that monorail? If they buyin’, I’m supplyin’. Believe that.”

Crittenden locals also expressed excitement about the monorail.

“Can you spare some change. No? Got a cigarette? No? Ok, god bless.”

When asked if the monorail affected the proposed street car campaign councilperson Roxanne Qualls offered a sharp retort.

“A street car running from the zoo to downtown and all points between? That runs right through the University of Cincinnati. We don’t want that kind of student element hanging around Fountain Square. Are you mad?”

Mayor Mallory also hopes the smack monorail will bring a new wave of fresh-faced ambassadors to the areas surrounding OTR.

“Our brave junkie transplants, through countless hours of shooting up and possibly huffing paint, have become craggy-faced and disheveled. It is time to move new troops to the front line if the city is to win the war against progress.”

The majority of the Smack Monorail’s funding will be diverted from the unpopular Banks project which is rumored to be under construction somewhere along the Ohio River.

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